An Endless Soliloquy
by silver-chrysanthemum-91
Summary: It's Gin's first birthday after his death. Izuru tries to keep Gin's memories alive in everyones hearts, hoping that he'll find someone to share his pain with, but some moments are meant to be cherished in a soliloquy...


**Author's note**- I had to write to about Kira's reaction to Gin's death (Izuru being one of my favourite characters) This time I've gone a little more dramatic than usual. Hopefully not too OOC.

I hope you all enjoy this!

I do not own bleach or any of its characters.

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"Decide. It had come down to that dreaded word- decide. Some of those decisions were hardly easy- decide to love or to live. Decide to lie and breathe or be true and wither. Decide to fight or flee. To live and tell his tale or to die for him…that's the dismay he's left me in. He's never helped me make these choices easier '_You're a smart boy Izuru, ye'll figure it out' _I used to like it when he credited me with the intelligence to understand him, because my captain is a mystery. But now I wish he told me more… now that…."

Tears began to roll down Izuru's eye as he said these words aloud. He stood amongst an array of men and women of great worth who he had known for his entire life and yet today, they stood before him as strangers as his eyes searched the room for that one soul… that soul who had 'betrayed' him earlier but today that soul had left Izuru feeling abandoned. No one in the room could understand or comprehend this blasphemy that was taking place in their hall. No one understood why Izuru should cry so unabashedly for a despicable man like him. No one did, because none had seen what Izuru saw and heard what he had heard.

"Today is my captain's birthday. And on the occasion of his birthday…" "Shut up, Kira!" roared the tenth division captain. "Dare you celebrate that monsters birthday! That fiend! Didn't you see it with your eyes! First Momo, then!…" "Captain Hitsugaya, Izuru kira has been granted permission to have a gathering of this nature. Although we realize now, that it has been a mistake to permit it. Kira, we request you to stop." Izuru would've protested to the commander general's order, but he had anticipated this. He even anticipated the wrath that he was to face.

Toshiro stood there raging and seething in pain within. For him Izuru's very existence soiled every memory of Rangiku that he held. By the mere mention of that name, toshiro's zanpakto would begin to tremor. The hatred that Hitsugaya held for that man had seeped into Hyourinmaru; its icy shackles would remember the touch of the former captain three and roar.

"Stop this very moment Kira or else I shall not see you as you, but as that monster's worshiper…"

Anyone would've shivered seeing the anger in captain ten's voice and behavior, not Izuru. He stepped off the podium, clutching on to a piece of paper dearly. The anger and hostility of everyone around wouldn't reach him; he had numbed ever since that day. He slowly walked away from the hall, towards the boulevard of the persimmon trees. He stood below their shade staring up into sky, waiting for those sickly pale hands to hold his hand and say "Go on Izuru, gotta do paper work, don' want me to do it, do ya?" The other third squad members glared at Izuru. They too found his love for the captain a disgrace. _"My captain IS a mystery, vice-cap Kira? He WAS. And he was no mystery; he was just a piece of scum! A scum not even loyal to Aizen"_

Izuru had wanted to yell and scream at these fools and correct the nonsense that they spoke, but he wished that his captain would silence them instead. He had wanted to stop the slander but not today; today the 'gentlemen' of the third watched as their withered fukataicho glided into Gin Ichimaru's room. His stood with his hands against the desk his captain seldom used. His head bowed in sadness and his lean body shivering distraughtly. "Why captain? Couldn't you just have told me…I would've risked my life to see it happen…why did you bear the burden alone" he thought. He silently opened the draw that once held the haori. He stared at the empty space, mirroring his mind, as the events of his captains last memories came barraging back.

"Matsumoto san…" his withered breath revealed. "You… you did everything you could to save him. You couldn't walk and still you stood up against a threat like Aizen. I tried Matsumoto san, I did! I healed him with my own life force but I couldn't save him! I couldn't save you…" Izuru slid down to the floor, tears guiding him. Guilt had overcome his senses. He remembered the tattered Rangiku hugging his lifeless captain as her tears filled the wounds the hougyouku caused and he remembered seeing him for the last time…

Izuru walked towards a dying Rangiku and his captain. He started to heal the stab on his captain's body as he felt a clasp. _"Izuru… I'm proud of ya." "Don't talk now captain you need rest" "yer as stubborn as me now Izuru?"_ Gin said in his characteristic smile _"Why didn't you tell me captain! I would've joined you!" "You're a smart boy Izuru, ye'll figure it out" "Rangiku… My Izuru here, he's a swee' thing, you take care of 'im when 'm gone. Those third squad men ain't good stuff."_ The rest of his words had already begun to blur as Izuru's senses had started to choke. He watched helplessly as those blue eyes closed for the last time and as usual never to open them again. Gin's lanky body had gone pale with his hand resting on Izuru's hand and his head on Rangiku's lap. But his smile was intact. It was the same one he bore all his life, while deceiving or dreaming. But now they knew the truth behind it; they knew it was real all time. And that the pain was only hidden in his eyes…

Izuru cried bitterly in the silence of the dark room. He could feel Gin's spirit still lingering and peeking to see what Izuru had made of himself after his death. He knew it'd pain his captain to see him thither but he couldn't help it.

As Izuru walked out of the office and into the barracks, a few seated officers of the tenth squad were heard relentlessly venting over the tales of the Great War. "So looks like the 3rd and the 5th divisions will remain captain-less until the vice-captains can see through their captain's treachery" "it's a shame..." "You know what a greater shame is? The 3rd division's captains' haori has been soiled on the battle field!" "What I heard is that was found the next day near that Ichimaru! To think of the cheek of the guy who must've done that!" "But can't we just get it back? Not like he cared for it anyway" "Not anymore. It vanished along with Ichimaru's body. Looks like someone gave him a burial" "yeah to make that monster a hero! What disgrace!"

Izuru smiled bitterly through the grey clouds that grew over him, hoping that Gin could see him through the crevices. The sounds of the officers' voices reached him in bits and blurs as he held on to only the words that comforted him. '_Make… a hero_' he wondered. "I only gave you what was yours to begin with captain. I didn't make you anything you were not." He felt bad that Gin was forced to sink into oblivion for everyone but him; buried in anonymity, yet a selfish privilege seemed to overcome him as he smiled more heartily. He smiled, looking up, as he saw that silver lining grow around the black clouds, reminiscent of that unforgettable grin. "Matsumoto-san, that's why he was called Gin."


End file.
